Harry Potter Fans With No Life

Chapter 49

Escape from Ma Grunter’s

Children generally stayed at Ma Grunter’s orphanage until she threw them out onto the street. She received no gold for looking after grown men and women, and had allowed Basher John to stay only because he was useful to her. While they were still worth gold, Ma Grunter made sure no children escaped by keeping all doors securely locked and bolted. Only Basher John had keys, and the last boy who’d tried to steal them had spent months recovering from his injuries.

Daisy and Martha both knew the time was coming when they’d be thrown out, but they were less worried for themselves than for what would become of the little ones once they were gone. Bert and Roderick knew they’d have to leave around the same time, if not sooner. They weren’t able to check and see whether Wanted posters with Bert’s face on them were still stuck to the walls of Jeroboam, but it seemed unlikely they’d been taken down. The four lived in daily dread that Ma Grunter and Basher John would realize they had a valuable fugitive worth one hundred gold Ducats under their roof.

In the meantime, Bert, Daisy, Martha, and Roderick met every night, while the other children were asleep, to share their stories and pool their knowledge about what was going on in Cornucopia. They held these meetings in the only place Basher John never went: the large cabbage cupboard in the kitchen.

Roderick, who’d been raised to make jokes about the Marshlanders, laughed at Martha’s accent during the first of these meetings, but Daisy told him off so fiercely that he didn’t do it again.

Huddled around a single candle as though it were a fire, amid mounds of tough, smelly cabbages, Daisy told the boys about her kidnap, Bert shared his fear that his father had died in some kind of accident, and Roderick explained about the way the Dark Footers faked attacks on towns to keep people believing in the Ickabog. He also told the others about how the mail was intercepted, how the two lords were stealing wagonloads of gold from the country, and that hundreds of people had been killed, or, if they were useful to Spittleworth in some way, imprisoned.

However, each of the boys was hiding something, and I’ll tell you what it was.

Roderick suspected that Mr. Beamish had been accidentally shot on the marsh, all those years ago, but he hadn’t told Bert that, because he was scared his friend would blame him for not telling him sooner.

Meanwhile, Bert, who was certain Mr. Dovetail had carved the giant feet the Dark Footers were using, didn’t tell Daisy so. You see, he was certain Mr. Dovetail must have been killed after making them, and he didn’t want to give Daisy false hope that he was still alive. As Roderick didn’t know who’d carved the many sets of feet used by the Dark Footers, Daisy had no idea about her father’s part in the attacks.

“But what about the soldiers?” Daisy asked Roderick, on the sixth night they met in the cabbage cupboard. “The Ickabog Defense Brigade and the Royal Guard? Are they in on it?”

“I think they must be, a bit,” said Roderick, “but only the very top people know everything — the two lords and my — and whoever’s replaced my father,” he said, and fell silent for a while.

“The soldiers must know there is no Ickabog,” said Bert, “after all the time they’ve spent up in the Marshlands.”

“There is an Ickabog, though,” said Martha. Roddy didn’t laugh, though he might have done if he’d just met her. Daisy ignored Martha, as she usually did, but Bert said kindly:

“I believed in it myself, until I realized what was really going on.”

The foursome went off to bed that night, agreeing to meet again the following evening. Each was burning with ambition to save the country, but they kept coming back to the fact that without weapons, they could hardly fight Spittleworth and his many soldiers.

However, when the girls arrived in the cabbage cupboard on the seventh night, Bert knew from their expressions that something bad had happened.

“Trouble,” whispered Daisy, as soon as Martha had closed the cupboard door. “We heard Ma Grunter and Basher John talking, just before we went to bed. There’s an orphanage inspector on the way. He’ll be here tomorrow afternoon.”

The boys looked at each other, extremely worried. The last thing they wanted was for an outsider to recognize them as two fugitives.

“We have to leave,” said Bert to Roderick. “Now. Tonight. Together, we can manage to get the keys from Basher John.”

“I’m game,” said Roderick, clenching his fists.

“Well, Martha and I are coming with you,” said Daisy. “We’ve thought of a plan.”

“What plan?” asked Bert.

“I say the four of us head north, to the soldiers’ camp in the Marshlands,” said Daisy. “Martha knows the way, she can guide us. When we get there, we tell the soldiers everything Roderick’s told us — about the Ickabog being fake—”

“It’s real, though,” said Martha, but the other three ignored her.

“—and about the killings and all the gold Spittleworth and Flapoon are stealing from the country. We can’t take on Spittleworth alone. There must be some good soldiers, who’d stop obeying him, and help us take the country back!”

“It’s a good plan,” said Bert slowly, “but I don’t think you girls should come. It might be dangerous. Roderick and I will do it.”

“No, Bert,” said Daisy, her eyes almost feverish. “With four of us, we double the number of soldiers we can talk to. Please don’t argue. Unless something changes, soon, most of the children in this orphanage will be in that cemetery before the winter’s over.”

It took a little more argument for Bert to agree that the two girls should come, because he privately worried that Daisy and Martha were too frail to make the journey, but at last he agreed.

“All right. You’d better grab your blankets off your beds, because it’s going to be a long, cold walk. Roddy and l will deal with Basher John.”

So Bert and Roderick sneaked into Basher John’s room. The fight was short and brutal. It was lucky Ma Grunter had drunk two whole bottles of wine with her dinner, because otherwise all the banging and shouting would definitely have woken her. Leaving Basher John bloody and bruised, Roderick stole his boots. Then, they locked him in his own room, and the two boys sprinted to join the girls, who were waiting beside the front door. It took five long minutes to unfasten all the padlocks and loosen all the chains.

A blast of icy air met them as they opened the door. With one last glance back at the orphanage, threadbare blankets around their shoulders, Daisy, Bert, Martha, and Roderick slipped out onto the street and set off for the Marshlands, through the first few flakes of snow.

Chapter 50

A Winter’s Journey

No harder journey had been made, in all of Cornucopia’s history, than the trek of those four young people to the Marshlands.

It was the bitterest winter the kingdom had seen for a hundred years, and by the time the dark outline of Jeroboam had vanished behind them, the snow was falling so thickly it dazzled their eyes with whiteness. Their thin, patched clothes and their torn blankets were no match for the freezing air, which bit at every part of them like tiny, sharp-toothed wolves.

If not for Martha, it would have been impossible to find their way, but she was familiar with the country north of Jeroboam and, in spite of the thick snow now covering every landmark, she recognized old trees she used to climb, odd-shaped rocks that had always been there, and ramshackle sheep sheds that had once belonged to neighbors. Even so, the farther north they traveled, the more all of them wondered in their hearts whether the journey would kill them, though they never spoke the thought aloud. Each felt their body plead with them to stop, to lie down in the icy straw of some abandoned barn, and give up.

On the third night, Martha knew they were close, because she could smell the familiar ooze and brackish water of the marsh. All of them regained a little hope; they strained their eyes for any sign of torches and fires in the soldiers’ encampment, and imagined they heard men talking, and the jingling of horses’ harnesses, through the whistling wind. Every now and then they saw a glint in the distance, or heard a noise, but it was always just the moonlight reflecting on a frozen puddle, or a tree creaking in the blizzard.

At last they reached the edge of the wide expanse of rock, marsh, and rustling weed, and they realized there were no soldiers there at all.

The winter storms had caused a retreat. The commander, who was privately certain there was no Ickabog, had decided that he wasn’t going to let his men freeze to death just to please Lord Spittleworth. So he’d given the order to head south, and if it hadn’t been for the thick snow, which was still falling so fast it covered all tracks, the friends might have been able to see the soldiers’ five-day-old footprints, going in the opposite direction.

“Look,” said Roderick, pointing as he shivered. “They were here . . .”

A wagon had been abandoned in the snow because it had gotten stuck, and the soldiers wanted to escape the storm quickly. The foursome approached the wagon and saw food, food such as Bert, Daisy, and Roderick remembered only from their dreams, and which Martha had never seen in her life. Heaps of creamy Kurdsburg cheeses, piles of Chouxville pastries, sausages and venison pies of Baronstown, all sent to keep the camp commander and his soldiers happy, because there was no food to be had in the Marshlands.

Bert reached out numb fingers to try and take a pie, but a thick layer of ice now covered the food, and his fingers simply slid off.

He turned a hopeless face to Daisy, Martha, and Roderick, all of whose lips were now blue. Nobody said anything. They knew they were going to die of cold on the edge of the Ickabog’s marsh and none of them really cared any longer. Daisy was so cold that to sleep forever seemed a wonderful idea. She barely felt the added chill as she sank slowly into the snow. Bert sank down and put his arms around her, but he too was feeling sleepy and strange. Martha leaned up against Roderick, who tried to draw her under his blanket. Huddled together beside the wagon, all four were soon unconscious, and the snow crept up their bodies as the moon began to rise.

And then a vast shadow rippled over them. Two enormous arms covered in long green hair like marsh weed descended upon the four friends. As easily as if they were babies, the Ickabog scooped them up and bore them away across the marsh.

Chapter 51

Inside the Cave

Some hours later, Daisy woke up, but at first she didn’t open her eyes. She couldn’t remember being this cozy since childhood, when she’d slept beneath a patchwork quilt stitched by her mother, and woken every winter morning to the sound of a fire crackling in her grate. She could hear the fire crackling now, and smell venison pies heating in the oven, so she knew she must be dreaming that she was back at home with both her parents.

But the sound of flames and the smell of pie were so real it then occurred to Daisy that instead of dreaming, she might be in heaven. Perhaps she’d frozen to death on the edge of the marsh? Without moving her body, she opened her eyes and saw a flickering fire, and the rough-hewn walls of what seemed to be a very large cavern, and she realized she and her three companions were lying in a large nest of what seemed to be unspun sheep’s wool.

There was a gigantic rock beside the fire, which was covered with long, greenish-brown marsh weed. Daisy gazed at this rock until her eyes became accustomed to the semidarkness. Only then did she realize that the rock, which was as tall as two horses, was looking back at her.

Even though the old stories said the Ickabog looked like a dragon, or a serpent, or a drifting ghoul, Daisy knew at once that this was the real thing. In panic, she closed her eyes again, reached out a hand through the soft mass of sheep’s wool, found one of the others’ backs, and poked it.

“What?” whispered Bert.

“Have you seen it?” whispered Daisy, eyes still tightly shut.

“Yes,” breathed Bert. “Don’t look at it.”

“I’m not,” said Daisy.

“I told you there was an Ickabog,” came Martha’s terrified whisper.

“I think it’s cooking pies,” whispered Roderick.

All four lay quite still, with their eyes closed, until the smell of venison pie became so deliciously overpowering that each of them felt it would be almost worth dying to jump up, snatch a pie, and maybe wolf down a few mouthfuls before the Ickabog could kill them.

Then they heard the monster moving. Its long, coarse hair rustled, and its heavy feet made loud muffled thumps. There was a clunk, as though the monster had laid down something heavy. Then a low, booming voice said:

“Eat them.”

All four opened their eyes.

You might think the fact that the Ickabog could speak their language would be a huge shock, but they were already so stunned that the monster was real, that it knew how to make fires and that it was cooking venison pies, that they barely stopped to consider that point. The Ickabog had placed a rough-hewn wooden platter of pies beside them on the floor, and they realized that it must have taken them from the frozen stock of food on the abandoned wagon.

Slowly and cautiously, the four friends moved into sitting positions, staring up into the large, mournful eyes of the Ickabog, which peered at them through the tangle of long, coarse greenish hair that covered it from head to foot. Roughly shaped like a person, it had a truly enormous belly, and huge shaggy paws, each of which had a single sharp claw.

“What do you want with us?” asked Bert, bravely.

In its deep, booming voice the Ickabog replied:

“I’m going to eat you. But not yet.”

The Ickabog turned, picked up a pair of baskets, which were woven from strips of bark, and walked away to the mouth of the cave. Then, as though a sudden thought had struck it, the Ickabog turned back to them and said,

“Roar.”

It didn’t actually roar. It simply said the word. The four teenagers stared at the Ickabog, which blinked, then turned round and walked out of the cave, a basket in each paw. Then a boulder as large as the cave mouth rumbled its way across the entrance, to keep the prisoners inside. They listened as the Ickabog’s footsteps crunched through the snow outside, and died away.

Chapter 52

Mushrooms

Never would Daisy and Martha forget the taste of those Baronstown pies, after the long years of cabbage soup at Ma Grunter’s. Indeed, Martha burst into tears after the first bite, and said she’d never known food could be like this. All of them forgot about the Ickabog while eating. Once they’d finished the pies, they felt braver, and they got up to explore the Ickabog’s cave by the light of the fire.

“Look,” said Daisy, who’d found drawings on the wall.

A hundred shaggy Ickabogs were being chased by stickmen with spears.

“See this one!” said Roderick, pointing at a drawing close to the mouth of the cave.

By the light of the Ickabog’s fire, the foursome examined a picture of a lone Ickabog, standing face-to-face with a stick figure wearing a plumed helmet and holding a sword.

“That looks like the king,” whispered Daisy, pointing at the figure. “You don’t think he really saw the Ickabog that night, do you?”

The others couldn’t answer, of course, but I can. I’ll tell you the whole truth now, and I hope you won’t be annoyed that I didn’t before.

Fred really did catch a glimpse of the Ickabog in the thick marsh mist, that fatal night when Major Beamish was shot. I can also tell you that the following morning, the old shepherd who’d thought his dog had been eaten by the Ickabog heard a whining and scratching at the door, and realized that faithful Patch had come home again, because, of course, Spittleworth had set the dog free from the brambles in which he was trapped.

Before you judge the old shepherd too harshly for not letting the king know that Patch hadn’t been eaten by the Ickabog after all, you should remember that he was weary after his long journey to Chouxville. In any case, the king wouldn’t have cared. Once Fred had seen the monster through the mist, nothing and nobody would have persuaded him it wasn’t real.

“I wonder,” said Martha, “why the Ickabog didn’t eat the king?”

“Maybe he really did fight it off, like the stories say?” asked Roderick doubtfully.

“You know, it’s strange,” said Daisy, turning to look at the Ickabog’s cave, “that there aren’t any bones in here, if the Ickabog eats people.”

“It must eat the bones, too,” said Bert. His voice was shaking.

Now Daisy remembered that, of course, they must have been wrong in thinking that Major Beamish had died in an accident on the marsh. Clearly, the Ickabog had killed him, after all. She’d just reached for Bert’s hand, to show him she knew how horrible it was for him to be in the lair of his father’s killer, when they heard heavy footsteps outside again, and knew the monster had returned. All four dashed back to the soft pile of sheep’s wool and sat down in it as though they’d never moved.

There was a loud rumble as the Ickabog rolled back the stone, letting in the wintry chill. It was still snowing hard outside, and the Ickabog had a lot of snow trapped in its hair. In one of its baskets it had a large number of mushrooms and some firewood. In the other, it had some frozen Chouxville pastries.

While the teenagers watched, the Ickabog built up the fire again, and placed the icy block of pastries on a flat stone beside it, where they slowly began to thaw. Then, while Daisy, Bert, Martha, and Roderick watched, the Ickabog began eating mushrooms. It had a curious way of doing so. It speared a few at a time on the single spike protruding from each paw, then picked them off delicately in its mouth, one by one, chewing them up with what looked like great enjoyment.

After a while, it seemed to become aware that the four humans were watching it.

“Roar,” it said again, and fell back to ignoring them, until it had eaten all the mushrooms, after which it carefully lifted the unfrozen Chouxville pastries off the warm rock, and offered them to the humans in its huge, hairy paws.

“It’s trying to fatten us up!” said Martha in a terrified whisper, but nevertheless she seized a Folderol Fancy and the next second, her eyes were closed in ecstasy.

After the Ickabog and the humans had eaten, the Ickabog put its two baskets away tidily in a corner, poked up the fire, and moved to the mouth of the cave, where the snow continued to fall and the sun was beginning to set. With a strange noise you’d recognize if you’ve ever heard a bagpipe inflate before somebody starts to play it, the Ickabog drew in breath and began to sing in a language none of the humans could understand. The song echoed forth over the marsh as darkness fell. The four teenagers listened, and soon felt drowsy, and one by one they sank back into the nest of sheep’s wool, and fell asleep.

Chapter 53

The Mysterious Monster

It was several days before Daisy, Bert, Martha, and Roderick plucked up courage to do anything other than eat the frozen food that the Ickabog brought them from the wagon, and watch the monster eat the mushrooms it foraged for itself. Whenever the Ickabog went out (always rolling the enormous boulder into the mouth of the cave, to stop them escaping) they discussed its strange ways, but in low voices, in case it was lurking on the other side of the boulder, listening.

One thing they argued about was whether the Ickabog was a boy or a girl. Daisy, Bert, and Roderick all thought it must be male, because of the booming depth of its voice, but Martha, who’d looked after sheep before her family had starved to death, thought the Ickabog was a girl.

“Its belly’s growing,” she told them. “I think it’s going to have babies.”

The other thing the children discussed, of course, was exactly when the Ickabog was likely to eat them, and whether they were going to be able to fight it off when it tried.

“I think we’ve got a bit of time yet,” said Bert, looking at Daisy and Martha, who were still very skinny from their time at the orphanage. “You two wouldn’t make much of a meal.”

“If I got it round the back of the neck,” said Roderick, miming the action, “and Bert hit it really hard in the stomach —”

“We’ll never be able to overpower the Ickabog,” said Daisy. “It can move a boulder as big as itself. We’re nowhere near strong enough.”

“If only we had a weapon,” said Bert, standing up and kicking a stone across the cave.

“Don’t you think it’s odd,” said Daisy, “that all we’ve seen the Ickabog eat is mushrooms? Don’t you feel as though it’s pretending to be fiercer than it really is?”

“It eats sheep,” said Martha. “Where did all this wool come from, if it hasn’t eaten sheep?”

“Maybe it just saved up wisps of wool caught on brambles?” suggested Daisy, picking up a bit of the soft, white fluff. “I still don’t understand why there aren’t any bones in here, if it’s in the habit of eating creatures.”

“What about that song it sings every night?” said Bert. “It gives me the creeps. If you ask me, that’s a battle song.”

“It scares me, too,” agreed Martha.

“I wonder what it means?” said Daisy.

A few minutes later, the giant boulder at the mouth of the cave shifted again, and the Ickabog reappeared with its two baskets, one full of mushrooms as usual, and the other packed with frozen Kurdsburg cheeses.

Everyone ate without talking, as they always did, and after the Ickabog had tidied away its baskets and poked up the fire, it moved, as the sun was setting, to the mouth of the cave, ready to sing its strange song, in the language the humans couldn’t understand.

Daisy stood up.

“What are you doing?” whispered Bert, grabbing her ankle. “Sit down!”

“No,” said Daisy, pulling herself free. “I want to talk to it.”

So she walked boldly to the mouth of the cave, and sat down beside the Ickabog.

Chapter 54

The Song of the Ickabog

The Ickabog had just drawn breath, with its usual sound of an inflating bagpipe, when Daisy said:

“What language do you sing in, Ickabog?”

The Ickabog looked down at her, startled to find Daisy so close. At first, Daisy thought it wasn’t going to answer, but at last it said in its slow, deep voice:

“Ickerish.”

“And what’s the song about?”

“It’s the story of Ickabogs — and of your kind, too.”

“You mean, people?” asked Daisy.

“People, yes,” said the Ickabog. “The two stories are one story, because people were Bornded out of Ickabogs.”

It drew in its breath to sing again, but Daisy asked:

“What does ‘Bornded’ mean? Is it the same as ‘born’?”

“No,” said the Ickabog, looking down at her, “Bornded is very different from being born. It’s how new Ickabogs come to be.”

Daisy wanted to be polite, seeing how enormous the Ickabog was, so she said cautiously:

“That does sound a bit like being born.”

“Well, it isn’t,” said the Ickabog, in its deep voice. “Born and Bornded are very different things. When babies are Bornded, we who have Bornded them die.”

“Always?” asked Daisy, noticing how the Ickabog absentmindedly rubbed its tummy as it spoke.

“Always,” said the Ickabog. “That is the way of the Ickabog. To live with your children is one of the strangenesses of people.”

“But that’s so sad,” said Daisy slowly. “To die when your children are born.”

“It isn’t sad at all,” said the Ickabog. “The Bornding is a glorious thing! Our whole lives lead up to the Bornding. What we’re doing and what we’re feeling when our babies are Bornded gives them their natures. It is very important to have a good Bornding.”

“I don’t understand,” said Daisy.

“If I die sad and hopeless,” explained the Ickabog, “my babies won’t survive. I’ve watched my fellow Ickabogs die in despair, one by one, and their babies survived them only by seconds. An Ickabog can’t live without hope. I’m the last Ickabog left, and my Bornding will be the most important Bornding in history, because if my Bornding goes well, our species will survive, and if not, Ickabogs will be gone forever . . .

“All our troubles began from a bad Bornding, you know.”

“Is that what your song’s about?” asked Daisy. “The bad Bornding?”

The Ickabog nodded, its eyes fixed on the darkening, snowy marsh. Then it took yet another deep bagpipe breath, and began to sing, and this time it sang in words that the humans could understand.





“At the dawn of time, when only

Ickabogs existed, stony

Man was not created, with his

Cold, flint-hearted ways,

Then the world in its perfection

Was like heaven’s bright reflection

No one hunted us or harmed us

In those lost, beloved days.





Oh Ickabogs, come Bornding back,

Come Bornding back, my Ickabogs.

Oh Ickabogs, come Bornding back,

Come Bornding back, my own.





Then tragedy! One stormy night,

Came Bitterness, Bornded of Fright

And Bitterness, so tall and stout,

Was different from its fellows.

Its voice was rough, its ways were mean

The likes of it had not been seen

Before, and so they drove it out

With angry blows and bellows.





Oh Ickabogs, be Bornded wise,

Be Bornded wise, my Ickabogs.

Oh Ickabogs, be Bornded wise,

Be Bornded wise, my own.





A thousand miles from its old home

Its Bornding time arrived, alone

In darkness, Bitterness expired

And Hatred came to being.

A hairless Ickabog, this last,

A beast sworn to avenge the past,

With bloodlust was the creature fired,

Its evil eye far-seeing.





Oh Ickabogs, be Bornded kind,

Be Bornded kind, my Ickabogs.

Oh Ickabogs, be Bornded kind,

Be Bornded kind, my own.





Then Hatred spawned the race of man,

’Twas from ourselves that man began,

From Bitterness and Hate they swelled

To armies, raised to smite us.

In hundreds, Ickabogs were slain,

Our blood poured on the land like rain,

Our ancestors like trees were felled,

And still men came to fight us.





Oh Ickabogs, be Bornded brave,

Be Bornded brave, my Ickabogs.

Oh Ickabogs, be Bornded brave,

Be Bornded brave, my own.





Men forced us from our sunlit home,

Away from grass to mud and stone,

Into the endless fog and rain

And here we stayed and dwindled,

’Til of our race there’s only one

Survivor of the spear and gun

Whose children must begin again

With hate and fury kindled.





Oh Ickabogs, now kill the men,

Now kill the men, my Ickabogs.

Oh Ickabogs, now kill the men,

Now kill the men, my own.”



Daisy and the Ickabog sat in silence for a while after the Ickabog had finished singing. The stars were coming out now. Daisy fixed her eyes on the moon as she said:

“How many people have you eaten, Ickabog?”

The Ickabog sighed.

“None, so far. Ickabogs like mushrooms.”

“Are you planning on eating us when your Bornding time comes?” she asked. “So your babies are born believing Ickabogs eat people? You want to turn them into people killers, don’t you? To take back your land?”

The Ickabog looked down at her. It didn’t seem to want to answer, but at last it nodded its huge, shaggy head. Behind Daisy and the Ickabog, Bert, Martha, and Roderick exchanged terrified glances by the light of the dying fire.

“I know what it’s like to lose the people you love the most,” said Daisy quietly. “My mother died, and my father disappeared. For a long time, after my father went away, I made myself believe that he was still alive, because I had to, or I think I’d have died, as well.”

Daisy got to her feet to look up into the Ickabog’s sad eyes.

“I think people need hope nearly as much as Ickabogs do. But,” she said, placing her hand over her heart, “my mother and father are both still in here, and they always will be. So when you eat me, Ickabog, eat my heart last. I’d like to keep my parents alive as long as I can.”

She walked back into the cave, and the four humans settled down on their piles of wool again, beside the fire.

A little later, sleepy though she was, Daisy thought she heard the Ickabog sniff.

Chapter 55

Spittleworth Offends the King

After the disaster of the runaway mail coach, Lord Spittleworth took steps to make sure such a thing would never happen again. A new proclamation was issued, without the king’s knowledge, which allowed the Chief Advisor to open letters to check them for signs of treason. The proclamation notices helpfully listed all the things that were now considered treason in Cornucopia. It was still treason to say that the Ickabog wasn’t real, and that Fred wasn’t a good king. It was treason to criticize Lord Spittleworth and Lord Flapoon, treason to say the Ickabog tax was too high, and, for the first time, treason to say that Cornucopia wasn’t as happy and well fed as it had always been.

Now that everybody was too frightened to tell the truth in their letters, mail and even travel to the capital dwindled to almost nothing, which was exactly what Spittleworth had wanted, and he started on phase two of his plan. This was to send a lot of fan mail to Fred. As these letters couldn’t all have the same handwriting, Spittleworth had shut up a few soldiers in a room with a stack of paper and lots of quills, and told them what to write.

“Praise the king, of course,” said Spittleworth, as he swept up and down in front of the men in his Chief Advisor’s robes. “Tell him he’s the best ruler the country’s ever had. Praise me, too. Say that you don’t know what would become of Cornucopia without Lord Spittleworth. And say you know the Ickabog would have killed many more people, if not for the Ickabog Defense Brigade, and that Cornucopia’s richer than ever.”

So Fred began to receive letters telling him how marvelous he was, and that the country had never been happier, and that the war against the Ickabog was going very well indeed.

“Well, it appears everything’s going splendidly!” beamed King Fred, waving one of these letters over lunch with the two lords. He’d been much more cheerful since the forgeries had started to arrive. The bitter winter had frozen the ground so that it was dangerous to go hunting, but Fred, who was wearing a gorgeous new costume of burnt orange silk, with topaz buttons, felt particularly handsome today, which added to his cheerfulness. It was quite delightful, watching the snow tumble down outside the window, when he had a blazing fire and his table was piled high, as usual, with expensive foodstuffs.

“I had no idea so many Ickabogs had been killed, Spittleworth! In fact — come to think of it — I didn’t even know there was more than one Ickabog!”

“Er, yes, sire,” said Spittleworth, with a furious glance at Flapoon, who was stuffing himself with a particularly delicious cream cheese. Spittleworth had so much to do, he’d given Flapoon the job of checking all the forged letters before they were sent to the king. “We didn’t wish to alarm you, but we realized some time ago that the monster had, ah —”

He coughed delicately.

“— reproduced.”

“I see,” said Fred. “Well, it’s jolly good news you’re finishing them off at such a rate. We should have one stuffed, you know, and hold an exhibition for the people!”

“Er . . . yes, sire, what an excellent idea,” said Spittleworth, through gritted teeth.

“One thing I don’t understand, though,” said Fred, frowning over the letter again. “Didn’t Professor Fraudysham say that every time an Ickabog dies, two grow in its place? By killing them like this, aren’t you, in fact, doubling their numbers?”

“Ah . . . no, sire, not really,” said Spittleworth, his cunning mind working furiously fast. “We’ve actually found a way of stopping that happening, by — er — by —”

“Banging them over the head first,” suggested Flapoon.

“Banging them over the head first,” repeated Spittleworth, nodding. “That’s it. If you can get near enough to knock them out before killing them, sire, the, er, the doubling process seems to . . . seems to stop.”

“But why didn’t you tell me of this amazing discovery, Spittleworth?” cried Fred. “This changes everything — we might soon have wiped Ickabogs from Cornucopia forever!”

“Yes, sire, it is good news, isn’t it?” said Spittleworth, wishing he could smack the smile off Flapoon’s face. “However, there are still quite a few Ickabogs left . . .”

“All the same, the end seems to be in sight at last!” said Fred joyfully, setting the letter aside and picking up his knife and fork again. “How very sad that poor Major Roach was killed by an Ickabog just before we began to turn the tables on the monsters!”

“Very sad, sire, yes,” agreed Spittleworth, who, of course, had explained away Major Roach’s sudden disappearance by telling the king he’d laid down his life in the Marshlands, trying to prevent the Ickabog coming south.

“Well, this all makes sense of something I’ve been wondering about,” said Fred. “The servants are constantly singing the national anthem, have you heard them? Jolly uplifting and all that, but it does become a bit samey. But this is why — they’re celebrating our triumph over the Ickabogs, aren’t they?”

“That must be it, sire,” said Spittleworth.

In fact, the singing was coming from the prisoners in the dungeons, not the servants, but Fred was unaware that he had fifty or so people trapped in the dungeons beneath him.

“We should hold a ball in celebration!” said Fred. “We haven’t had a ball for a very long time. It seems an age since I danced with Lady Eslanda.”

“Nuns don’t dance,” said Spittleworth crossly. He stood up abruptly. “Flapoon, a word.”

The two lords were halfway toward the door when the king commanded:

“Wait.”

Both turned. King Fred looked suddenly displeased.

“Neither of you asked permission to leave the king’s table.”

The two lords exchanged glances, then Spittleworth bowed and Flapoon copied him.

“I crave Your Majesty’s pardon,” said Spittleworth. “It’s simply that if we are to act on your excellent suggestion of having a dead Ickabog stuffed, sire, we must act quickly. It might, ah, rot, otherwise.”

“All the same,” said Fred, fingering the golden medal he wore around his neck, which was embossed with the picture of the king fighting a dragonish monster, “I remain the king, Spittleworth. Your king.”

“Of course, sire,” said Spittleworth, bowing low again. “I live only to serve you.”

“Hmm,” said Fred. “Well, see that you remember it, and be quick about stuffing that Ickabog. I wish to display it to the people. Then we shall discuss the celebration ball.”

Chapter 56

The Dungeon Plot

As soon as Spittleworth and Flapoon were out of earshot of the king, Spittleworth rounded on Flapoon.

“You were supposed to check all those letters before giving them to the king! Where am I supposed to find a dead Ickabog to stuff?”

“Sew something,” suggested Flapoon with a shrug.

“Sew something? Sew something?”

“Well, what else can you do?” said Flapoon, taking a large bite of the Dukes’ Delight he’d sneaked from the king’s table.

“What can I do?” repeated Spittleworth, incensed. “You think this is all my problem?”

“You were the one who invented the Ickabog,” said Flapoon thickly, as he chewed. He was getting very bored of Spittleworth shouting at him and bossing him about.

“And you’re the one who killed Beamish!” snarled Spittleworth. “Where would you be now, if I hadn’t blamed the monster?”

Without waiting for Flapoon’s response, Spittleworth turned and headed down to the dungeons. At the very least, he could stop the prisoners singing the national anthem so loudly, so the king might think the war against the Ickabogs had taken a turn for the worse again.

“Quiet — QUIET!” bellowed Spittleworth, as he entered the dungeon, because the place was ringing with noise. There was singing and laughter, and Cankerby the footman was running between the cells fetching and carrying kitchen equipment for all the different prisoners, and the smell of Maidens’ Dreams, fresh from Mrs. Beamish’s oven, filled the warm air. The prisoners all looked far better fed than the last time Spittleworth had been down here. He didn’t like this, didn’t like it at all. He especially didn’t like to see Captain Goodfellow looking as fit and strong as ever he had. Spittleworth liked his enemies weak and hopeless. Even Mr. Dovetail looked as though he’d trimmed his long white beard.

“You are keeping track, aren’t you,” he asked the panting Cankerby “of all these pots, and knives, and whatnots you’re handing out?”

“Of — of course, my lord,” gasped the footman, not liking to admit that he was so confused by all the orders Mrs. Beamish was giving him, that he had no idea which prisoner had what. Spoons, whisks, ladles, saucepans, and baking trays had to be passed between the bars, to keep up with the demand for Mrs. Beamish’s pastries, and once or twice Cankerby had accidentally passed one of Mr. Dovetail’s chisels to another prisoner. He thought he collected everything in at the end of each night, but how on earth was he to be sure? And sometimes Cankerby worried that the warder of the dungeon, who was fond of wine, might not hear the prisoners whispering to each other, if they took it into their heads to plot anything after the candles were snuffed out at night. However, Cankerby could tell that Spittleworth was in no mood to have problems brought to him, so the footman held his tongue.

“There will be no more singing!” shouted Spittleworth, his voice echoing through the dungeon. “The king has a headache!”

In fact, it was Spittleworth whose head was beginning to throb. He forgot the prisoners as soon as he turned his back on them, and fell back to pondering how on earth he was going to make a convincing stuffed Ickabog. Perhaps Flapoon was on to something? Might they take the skeleton of a bull, and kidnap a seamstress to stitch a dragonish covering over the bones, and pad it out with sawdust?

Lies upon lies upon lies. Once you started lying, you had to continue, and then it was like being captain of a leaky ship, always plugging holes in the side to stop yourself sinking. Lost in thoughts of skeletons and sawdust, Spittleworth had no idea that he’d just turned his back on what promised to be his biggest problem yet: a dungeon full of plotting prisoners, each of whom had knives and chisels hidden beneath their blankets, and behind loose bricks in their walls.

Chapter 57

Daisy’s Plan

Up in the Marshlands, where the snow still lay thick upon the ground, the Ickabog was no longer pushing the boulder in front of the cave mouth when it went out with its baskets. Instead, Daisy, Bert, Martha, and Roderick were helping it collect the little marsh mushrooms it liked to eat, and during these outings they also prized more frozen food from the abandoned wagon, which they took back to the cave for themselves.

All four humans were growing stronger and healthier by the day. The Ickabog too was growing fatter and fatter, but this was because its Bornding time was drawing ever closer. As the Bornding was when the Ickabog said it intended on eating the four humans, Bert, Martha, and Roderick weren’t very happy about the Ickabog’s growing belly. Bert, in particular, was certain the Ickabog meant to kill them. He now believed he’d been wrong about his father having an accident. The Ickabog was real, so clearly, the Ickabog had killed Major Beamish.

Often, on their mushrooming trips, the Ickabog and Daisy would draw a little ahead of the others, having their own private conversation.

“What d’you think they’re talking about?” Martha whispered to the two boys, as they searched the bog for the small white mushrooms the Ickabog particularly liked.

“I think she’s trying to make friends with it,” said Bert.

“What, so it’ll eat us instead of her?” said Roderick.

“That’s a horrible thing to say,” said Martha sharply. “Daisy looked after everyone at the orphanage. Sometimes she took punishments for other people, too.”

Roderick was taken aback. He’d been taught by his father to expect the worst of everybody he met and that the one way to get on in life was to be the biggest, the strongest, and the meanest in every group. It was hard to lose the habits he’d been taught, but with his father dead, and his mother and brothers doubtless in prison, Roderick didn’t want these three new friends to dislike him.

“Sorry,” he muttered, and Martha smiled at him.

Now, as it happened, Bert was quite right. Daisy was making friends with the Ickabog, but her plan wasn’t only to save herself, or even her three friends. It was to save the whole of Cornucopia.

As she and the monster walked through the bog on this particular morning, drawing ahead of the others, she noticed that a few snowdrops had managed to force their way up through a patch of melting ice. Spring was coming, which meant soldiers would soon be returning to the edge of the marsh. With a funny seasick feeling in her stomach, because she knew how important it was that she got this right, Daisy said:

“Ickabog, you know the song you sing every night?”

The Ickabog, who was lifting a log to see whether there were any mushrooms hiding beneath it, said:

“If I didn’t know it, I couldn’t sing it, could I?”

It gave a wheezy little chuckle.

“Well, you know how you sing that you want your children to be kind, and wise, and brave?”

“Yes,” agreed the Ickabog, and it picked up a small silvery-gray mushroom and showed it to Daisy. “That’s a good one. You don’t get many silver ones on the marsh.”

“Lovely,” said Daisy, as the Ickabog popped the mushroom into its basket. “And then, in the last chorus of your song, you say you hope that your babies will kill people,” said Daisy.

“Yes,” said the Ickabog again, reaching up to pull a small bit of yellowish fungus off a dead tree, and showing it to Daisy. “This is poisonous. Never eat this kind.”

“I won’t,” said Daisy, and drawing a deep breath she said, “but d’you really think a kind, wise, brave Ickabog would eat people?”

The Ickabog stopped in the act of bending to pick up another silvery mushroom and peered down at Daisy.

“I don’t want to eat you,” it said, “but I have to, or my children will die.”

“You said they need hope,” said Daisy. “What if, when the Bornding time comes, they saw their mother — or their father — I’m sorry, I don’t quite know —”

“I will be their Icker,” said the Ickabog. “And they’ll be my Ickaboggles.”

“Well, then, wouldn’t it be wonderful if your — your Ickaboggles saw their Icker surrounded by people who love it, and want it to be happy, and to live with them as friends? Wouldn’t that fill them with more hope than anything else could do?”

The Ickabog sat down on a fallen tree trunk, and for a long time it said nothing at all. Bert, Martha, and Roderick stood watching from a distance. They could tell something very important was happening between Daisy and the Ickabog, and although they were extremely curious, they didn’t dare approach.

At last the Ickabog said:

“Perhaps . . . perhaps it would be better if I didn’t eat you, Daisy.”

This was the first time the Ickabog had called her by her name. Daisy reached out and placed her hand in the Ickabog’s paw, and for a moment the two smiled at each other. Then the Ickabog said:

“When my Bornding comes, you and your friends must surround me, and my Ickaboggles will be Bornded knowing you’re their friends, too. And after that, you must stay with my Ickaboggles here on the marsh, forever.”

“Well . . . the problem with that is,” said Daisy cautiously, still holding the Ickabog’s paw, “that the food on the wagon will run out soon. I don’t think there are enough mushrooms here to support the four of us and your Ickaboggles, too.”

Daisy found it strange to be talking like this about a time when the Ickabog wouldn’t be alive, but the Ickabog didn’t seem to mind.

“Then what can we do?” it asked her, its big eyes anxious.

“Ickabog,” said Daisy cautiously, “people are dying all over Cornucopia. They’re starving to death, and even being murdered, all because some evil men made everyone believe you wanted to kill people.”

“I did want to kill people, until I met you four,” said the Ickabog.

“But now you’ve changed,” said Daisy. She got to her feet and faced the Ickabog, holding both of its paws. “Now you understand that people — most people, anyway — aren’t cruel or wicked. They’re mostly sad, and tired, Ickabog. And if they knew you — how kind you are, how gentle, how all you eat is mushrooms, they’d understand how stupid it is to fear you. I’m sure they’d want you and your Ickaboggles to leave the marsh, and go back to the meadows where your ancestors lived, where there are bigger, better mushrooms, and for your descendants to live with us as our friends.”

“You want me to leave the marsh?” said the Ickabog. “To go among men, with their guns and their spears?”

“Ickabog, please listen,” begged Daisy. “If your Ickaboggles are Bornded surrounded by hundreds of people, all wanting to love and protect them, wouldn’t that feed them more hope than any Ickaboggle ever had, in history? Whereas, if the four of us stay here on the marsh and starve to death, what hope will remain for your Ickaboggles?”

The monster stared at Daisy, and Bert, Martha, and Roderick watched, wondering what on earth was happening. At last, a huge tear welled in the Ickabog’s eye, like a glass apple.

“I’m afraid to go among the men. I’m afraid they’ll kill me and my Ickaboggles.”

“They won’t,” said Daisy, letting go of the Ickabog’s paw and placing her hands instead on either side of the Ickabog’s huge, hairy face, so her fingers were buried in its long marshweedy hair. “I swear to you, Ickabog, we’ll protect you. Your Bornding will be the most important in history. We’re going to bring Ickabogs back . . . and Cornucopia, too.”

Chapter 58

Hetty Hopkins

When Daisy first told the others her plan, Bert refused to be part of it.

“Protect that monster? I won’t,” he said fiercely. “I took a vow to kill it, Daisy. The Ickabog murdered my father!”

“Bert, it didn’t,” Daisy said. “It’s never killed anyone. Please listen to what it’s got to say!”

So that night in the cave, Bert, Martha, and Roderick drew close to the Ickabog for the first time, always having been too scared before, and it told the four humans the story of the night, years before, when it had come face-to-face with a man in the fog.

“. . . with yellow face hair,” said the Ickabog, pointing at its own upper lip.

“A moustache?” suggested Daisy.

“And a twinkly sword.”

“Jeweled,” said Daisy. “It must have been the king.”

“And who else did you meet?” asked Bert.

“Nobody,” said the Ickabog. “I ran away and hid behind a boulder. Men killed all my ancestors. I was afraid.”

“Well, then, how did my father die?” demanded Bert.

“Was your Icker the one who was shot by the big gun?” asked the Ickabog.

“Shot?” repeated Bert, turning pale. “How do you know this, if you’d run away?”

“I was looking out from behind the boulder,” said the Ickabog. “Ickabogs can see well in fog. I was frightened. I wanted to see what the men were doing on the marsh. One man was shot by another man.”

“Flapoon!” burst out Roderick, at last. He’d been afraid to tell Bert before now, but he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Bert, I once heard my father tell my mother he owed his promotion to Lord Flapoon and his blunderbuss. I was really young . . . I didn’t realize what he meant, at the time . . . I’m sorry I never told you, I . . . I was afraid of what you’d say.”

Bert said nothing at all for several minutes. He was remembering that terrible night in the Blue Parlor, when he’d found his father’s cold, dead hand and pulled it from beneath the Cornucopian flag for his mother to kiss. He remembered Spittleworth saying that they couldn’t see his father’s body, and he remembered Lord Flapoon spraying him and his mother with pie crumbs, as he said how much he’d always liked Major Beamish. Bert put a hand to his chest, where his father’s medal lay close against his skin, turned to Daisy, and said in a low voice:

“All right. I’m with you.”

So the four humans and the Ickabog began to put Daisy’s plan into operation, acting quickly, because the snow was melting fast, and they feared the return of the soldiers to the Marshlands.

First they took the enormous, empty wooden platters that had borne the cheese, pies, and pastries they’d already eaten, and Daisy carved words into them. Next, the Ickabog helped the two boys pull the wagon out of the mud, while Martha collected as many mushrooms as she could find, to keep the Ickabog well fed on the journey south.

At dawn on the third day, they set out. They’d planned things very carefully. The Ickabog pulled the wagon, which was loaded up with the last of the frozen food, and with baskets of mushrooms. In front of the Ickabog walked Bert and Roderick, who were each carrying a sign. Bert’s read: THE ICKABOG IS HARMLESS. Roderick’s said: SPITTLEWORTH HAS LIED TO YOU. Daisy was riding on the Ickabog’s shoulders. Her sign read: THE ICKABOG EATS ONLY MUSHROOMS. Martha rode in the wagon along with the food, and a large bunch of snowdrops, which were part of Daisy’s plan. Martha’s sign read: UP WITH THE ICKABOG! DOWN WITH LORD SPITTLEWORTH!

For many miles, they met nobody, but as midday approached, they came across two ragged people leading a single, very thin sheep. This tired and hungry pair were none other than Hetty Hopkins, the maid who’d had to give her children to Ma Grunter, and her husband. They’d been walking the country trying to find work, but nobody had any to give them. Finding the starving sheep in the road, they’d brought it along with them, but its wool was so thin and stringy that it wasn’t worth any money.

When Mr. Hopkins saw the Ickabog, he fell to his knees in shock, while Hetty simply stood there with her mouth hanging open. When the strange party came close enough, and the husband and wife were able to read all the signs, they thought they must have gone mad.

Daisy, who’d expected people to react like this, called down to them:

“You aren’t dreaming! This is the Ickabog, and it’s kind and peaceful! It’s never killed anyone! In fact, it saved our lives!”

The Ickabog bent down carefully, so that it wouldn’t dislodge Daisy, and patted the thin sheep on the head. Instead of running away, it baaa-ed, quite unafraid, then returned to eating the thin, dry grass.

“You see?” said Daisy. “Your sheep knows it’s harmless! Come with us — you can ride on our wagon!”

The Hopkinses were so tired and hungry that, even though they were still very scared of the Ickabog, they heaved themselves up beside Martha, bringing their sheep too. Then off trundled the Ickabog, the six humans, and the sheep, heading for Jeroboam.

Chapter 59

Back to Jeroboam

Dusk was falling as the dark gray outline of Jeroboam came into view. The Ickabog’s party made a brief stop on a hill overlooking the city. Martha handed the Ickabog the big bunch of snowdrops. Then everyone made sure they were holding their signs the right way up and the four friends shook hands, because they’d sworn to one another, and to the Ickabog, that they would protect it, and never stand aside, even if people threatened them with guns.

So down the hill toward the winemaking city the Ickabog marched, and the guards at the city gates saw it coming. They raised their guns to fire, but Daisy stood up on the Ickabog’s shoulder, waving her arms, and Bert and Roderick held their signs aloft. Rifles shaking, the guards watched fearfully as the monster walked closer and closer.

“The Ickabog has never killed anyone!” shouted Daisy.

“You’ve been told lies!” shouted Bert.

The guards didn’t know what to do, because they didn’t want to shoot the four young people. The Ickabog shuffled ever closer, and its size and strangeness were both terrifying. But it had a kindly look in its enormous eyes, and was holding snowdrops in its paw. At last, reaching the guards, the Ickabog came to a halt, bent down, and offered each of them a snowdrop.

The guards took the flowers, because they were afraid not to. Then the Ickabog patted each of them gently on the head, as it had done to the sheep, and walked on into Jeroboam.

There were screams on every side; people fled before the Ickabog, or dove to find weapons, but Bert and Roderick marched resolutely in front of it, holding up their signs, and the Ickabog continued offering snowdrops to passersby, until at last a young woman bravely took one. The Ickabog was so delighted it thanked her in its booming voice, which made more people scream, but others edged closer to the Ickabog, and soon a little crowd of people was clustered around the monster, taking snowdrops from its paw and laughing. And the Ickabog was starting to smile too. It had never expected to be cheered or thanked by people.

“I told you they’d love you if they knew you!” Daisy whispered in the Ickabog’s ear.

“Come with us!” shouted Bert at the crowd. “We’re marching south, to see the king!”

And now the Jeroboamers, who’d suffered so much under Spittleworth’s rule, ran back to their houses to fetch torches, pitchforks, and guns, not to harm the Ickabog, but to protect it. Furious at the lies they’d been told, they clustered around the monster, and off they marched through the gathering darkness, with only one short detour.

Daisy insisted on stopping at the orphanage. Though the door was of course firmly locked and bolted, a kick from the Ickabog soon put that right. The Ickabog helped Daisy gently down, and she ran inside to fetch all the children. The little ones scrambled up into the wagon, the Hopkins twins fell into the arms of their parents, and the larger children joined the crowd, while Ma Grunter screamed and stormed and tried to call them back. Then she saw the Ickabog’s huge hairy face squinting at her through a window and I’m happy to tell you she passed out cold on the floor.

Then the delighted Ickabog continued down the main street of Jeroboam, collecting more and more people as it went, and nobody noticed Basher John watching from a corner as the crowd passed. Basher John, who’d been drinking in a local tavern, hadn’t forgotten the bloody nose he’d received from Roderick Roach on the night the two boys stole his keys. He realized at once that if these troublemakers, with their overgrown marsh monster, reached the capital, anybody who’d made pots of gold from the myth of the dangerous Ickabog would be in trouble. So instead of returning to the orphanage, Basher John stole another drinker’s horse from outside the tavern.

Unlike the Ickabog, which was moving slowly, Basher John was soon galloping south, to warn Lord Spittleworth of the danger marching on Chouxville.

Chapter 60

Rebellion

Sometimes — I don’t know how — people who live many miles apart seem to realize the time has come to act. Perhaps ideas can spread like pollen on the breeze. In any case, down in the palace dungeon, the prisoners who’d hidden knives and chisels, heavy saucepans and rolling pins beneath their mattresses and stones in their cell walls, were ready at last. At dawn on the day the Ickabog approached Kurdsburg, Captain Goodfellow and Mr. Dovetail, whose cells were opposite each other, were awake, pale, tense, and sitting on the edges of their beds, because today was the day they’d vowed to escape, or die.

Several floors above the prisoners, Lord Spittleworth too woke early. Completely unaware that a prison break was brewing beneath his feet, or that a real live Ickabog was at that very moment advancing on Chouxville, surrounded by an ever-growing crowd of Cornucopians, Spittleworth washed, dressed in his Chief Advisor’s robes, then headed out to a locked wing of the stables, which had been under guard for a week.

“Stand aside,” Spittleworth told the soldiers on guard, and he unbolted the doors.

A team of exhausted seamstresses and tailors were waiting beside the model of a monster inside the stable. It was the size of a bull, with leathery skin, and was covered in spikes. Its carved feet bore fearsome claws, its mouth was full of fangs, and its angry eyes glowed amber in its face.

The seamstresses and tailors watched fearfully as Spittleworth walked slowly around their creation. Close up, you could see the stitching, tell that the eyes were made of glass, that the spikes were really nails pushed through the leather, and that the claws and fangs were nothing but painted wood. If you prodded the beast, a trickle of sawdust ran from the seams. Nevertheless, by the dim light of the stables, it was a convincing piece of work, and the seamstresses and tailors were thankful to see Spittleworth smile.

“It will do, by candlelight, at least,” he said. “I’ll simply have to make the dear king stand well back as he looks at it. We can say the spikes and fangs are still poisonous.”

The workers exchanged relieved looks. They’d been working all day and all night for a week. Now at last they’d be able to go home to their families.

“Soldiers,” said Spittleworth, turning to the guards waiting in the courtyard, “take these people away. If you scream,” he added lazily, as the youngest seamstress opened her mouth to do so, “you’ll be shot.”

While the team that had made the stuffed Ickabog was dragged away by the soldiers, Spittleworth went upstairs, whistling, to the king’s apartments, where he found Fred wearing silk pajamas and a hairnet over his moustache, and Flapoon tucking a napkin beneath his many chins.

“Good morning, Your Majesty!” said Spittleworth with a bow. “I trust you slept well? I have a surprise for Your Majesty today. We have succeeded in having one of the Ickabogs stuffed. I know Your Majesty was eager to see it.”

“Wonderful, Spittleworth!” said the king. “And after that, we might send it around the kingdom, what? To show the people what we’re up against?”

“I would advise against that, sire,” said Spittleworth, who feared that if anybody saw the stuffed Ickabog by daylight, they’d be sure to spot it as a fake. “We wouldn’t want the common folk to panic. Your Majesty is so brave that you can cope with the sight —”

But before Spittleworth could finish, the doors to the king’s private apartments flew open and in ran a wild-eyed, sweaty Basher John, who’d been delayed on the road by not one, but two sets of highwaymen. After getting lost in some woods and falling off his horse while jumping a ditch, then being unable to catch it again, Basher John hadn’t managed to reach the palace much ahead of the Ickabog. Panicking, he’d forced entry to the palace through a scullery window, and two guards had pursued him through the palace, both of them prepared to run him through with their swords.

Fred let out a scream and hid behind Flapoon. Spittleworth pulled out his dagger and jumped to his feet.

“There’s — an — Ickabog,” panted Basher John, falling to his knees. “A real — live —Ickabog. It’s coming here — with thousands of people — the Ickabog . . . is real.”

Naturally, Spittleworth didn’t believe this story for a second.

“Take him to the dungeons!” he snarled at the guards, who dragged the struggling Basher John from the room and closed the doors again. “I do apologize, sire,” said Spittleworth, who was still holding his dagger. “The man will be horsewhipped, and so will the guards who let him break into the pal —”

But before Spittleworth could finish his sentence, two more men came bursting into the king’s private apartments. These were Spittleworth’s Chouxville spies who’d had word from the north about the Ickabog’s approach, but as the king had never laid eyes on them before, he let out another terrified squeal.

“My — lord,” panted the first spy, bowing to Spittleworth, “there’s — an — Ickabog, coming — this — way!”

“And it’s got — a crowd — with it,” panted the second. “It’s real!”

“Well, of course the Ickabog’s real!” said Spittleworth, who could hardly say anything else with the king present. “Notify the Ickabog Defense Brigade — I shall join them shortly in the courtyard, and we’ll kill the beast!”

Spittleworth ushered the spies to the door and thrust them back into the passageway, trying to drown out their whispers of “my lord, it’s real, and the people like it!” and “I saw it, my lord, with my own two eyes!”

“We shall kill this monster as we’ve killed all the others!” said Spittleworth loudly, for the king’s benefit, and then under his breath he added, “Go away!”

Spittleworth closed the door firmly on the spies and returned to the table, disturbed, but trying not to show it. Flapoon was still tucking into some Baronstown ham. He had a vague idea that Spittleworth must be behind all these people rushing in and talking about live Ickabogs, so he wasn’t frightened in the slightest. Fred, on the other hand, was quivering from head to foot.

“Imagine the monster showing itself in daylight, Spittleworth!” he whimpered. “I thought it only ever came out at night!”

“Yes, it’s getting far too bold, isn’t it, Your Majesty?” said Spittleworth. He had no idea what this so-called real Ickabog could be. The only thing he could imagine was that some common folk had rigged up some kind of fake monster, possibly to steal food, or force gold out of their neighbors — but it would still have to be stopped, of course. There was only one true Ickabog, and that was the one Spittleworth had invented. “Come, Flapoon — we must prevent this beast from entering Chouxville!”

“You’re so brave, Spittleworth,” said King Fred in a broken voice.

“Tish, pish, Your Majesty,” said Spittleworth, “I would lay down my life for Cornucopia. You should know that by now!”

Spittleworth’s hand was on the door handle when yet more running footsteps, this time accompanied by shouting and clanging, shattered the peace. Startled, Spittleworth opened the door to see what was going on.

A group of ragged prisoners was running toward him. At the head of them was the white-haired Mr. Dovetail, who held an axe, and burly Captain Goodfellow, who carried a gun clearly wrestled from the hands of a palace guard. Right behind them came Mrs. Beamish, her hair flying behind her as she brandished an enormous saucepan, and hot on her heels came Millicent, Lady Eslanda’s maid, who held a rolling pin.

Just in time, Spittleworth slammed and bolted the door. Within seconds, Mr. Dovetail’s axe had smashed through the wood.

“Flapoon, come!” shouted Spittleworth, and the two lords ran across the room to another door, which led to a staircase down to the courtyard.

Fred, who had no idea what was going on, who’d never even realized that there were fifty people trapped in the dungeon of his palace, was slow to react. Seeing the faces of the furious prisoners appear at the hole Mr. Dovetail had hacked in the door, he jumped up to follow the two lords, but they, interested only in their own skins, had bolted it from the other side. King Fred was left standing in his pajamas with his back to the wall, watching the escaped prisoners hack their way into his room.